Wednesday, March 14, 2012

On the cusp of change

I am completely and utterly torn… kind of floating around right now not attached to one world.  Hovering in between two.  Where one identity is on the verge of being somewhat replaced by another.  My former self etched into something more… something better.  But yet – I am not quite there yet.  I am 11 days away from my due date.  I will be doing the most important thing I’ll ever do in my entire life in one of these next 11ish days… giving someone life.  Bringing someone into this world and giving them everything I have and more.  And I’m scared, excited, nervous, anxious… I am torn between wanting to get started with this new life.  With our son in it.  And hanging onto my life now.  Quite.  Independent.  Free.  I want to so badly meet him and kiss him and hold him close and let him know he is what I was supposed to do in life – be his mom.  I want to go on adventures with him to the park and nurse him to sleep, I want to hold his hand and chase after him.  I want to teach him things I was taught when I was younger and teach him important lessons in life.  I want to dress him in adorable outfits and school boy caps and smell that baby smell.  I want all these things and more which is why I got frustrated today at a weekly appointment to find out I haven’t progressed at all from the last appointment.  Hurmph.

But I also want to so badly sit here in silence for another couple months.  I want to go grab my purse and keys and get a venti iced chai late and sit outside in this gorgeous weather we have been having while reading a book.  I want to go get a manicure/pedicure when I want and blast my favorite tunes through the speakers in the living room.  I want to go play and giggle and make last minute plans and go out for a drink.  Not responsible for anything and anyone but myself.  But then I feel that reminder.  That kick or jab in my belly reminding me that we are getting so close.  I sometimes will stand in front of the mirror from the side and just stare at how large my belly has gotten knowing he is in there growing and counting on me and listening to Mimi bark or me laugh so hard his little home shakes like crazy.  So am I sad for my former life? Yeah I am… but I think that’s normal.  Change is never easy no matter how beautiful it is and how much you cant wait for it or even been wanting it.  And he will be worth it.. hearing him for the first time and holding him close and my former self will wave goodbye and a better, stronger more important self will emerge ready for this next stage.

So until that moment comes, I’ll sit here in silence enjoy a last solo manicure/pedicure without having to worry about anything else and blast my favorite song.  Because once that moment is here – it’s going to be the most magical moment I’ll ever experience.  I know it.