On the cusp of change

I am completely and utterly torn… kind of floating around right now not attached to one world.  Hovering in between two.  Where one identity is on the verge of being somewhat replaced by another.  My former self etched into something more… something better.  But yet – I am not quite there yet.  I am 11 days away from my due date.  I will be doing the most important thing I’ll ever do in my entire life in one of these next 11ish days… giving someone life.  Bringing someone into this world and giving them everything I have and more.  And I’m scared, excited, nervous, anxious… I am torn between wanting to get started with this new life.  With our son in it.  And hanging onto my life now.  Quite.  Independent.  Free.  I want to so badly meet him and kiss him and hold him close and let him know he is what I was supposed to do in life – be his mom.  I want to go on adventures with him to the park and nurse him to sleep, I want to hold his hand and chase after him.  I want to teach him things I was taught when I was younger and teach him important lessons in life.  I want to dress him in adorable outfits and school boy caps and smell that baby smell.  I want all these things and more which is why I got frustrated today at a weekly appointment to find out I haven’t progressed at all from the last appointment.  Hurmph.

But I also want to so badly sit here in silence for another couple months.  I want to go grab my purse and keys and get a venti iced chai late and sit outside in this gorgeous weather we have been having while reading a book.  I want to go get a manicure/pedicure when I want and blast my favorite tunes through the speakers in the living room.  I want to go play and giggle and make last minute plans and go out for a drink.  Not responsible for anything and anyone but myself.  But then I feel that reminder.  That kick or jab in my belly reminding me that we are getting so close.  I sometimes will stand in front of the mirror from the side and just stare at how large my belly has gotten knowing he is in there growing and counting on me and listening to Mimi bark or me laugh so hard his little home shakes like crazy.  So am I sad for my former life? Yeah I am… but I think that’s normal.  Change is never easy no matter how beautiful it is and how much you cant wait for it or even been wanting it.  And he will be worth it.. hearing him for the first time and holding him close and my former self will wave goodbye and a better, stronger more important self will emerge ready for this next stage.

So until that moment comes, I’ll sit here in silence enjoy a last solo manicure/pedicure without having to worry about anything else and blast my favorite song.  Because once that moment is here – it’s going to be the most magical moment I’ll ever experience.  I know it.

Lack o' Motivation

Source: a-fitspirational-blonde.tumblr.com via Christina on Pinterest

Lately I've been more drained than ever. I feel as though I only do three things:

1.) Work
2.) Eat
3.) Sleep

I work all day, dealing with some pretty stressful things too lately... I come home help put on a meal and eat it then I promptly fall asleep on the couch until the hubs comes and wakes me up and I move to the bed where I lay awake for an hour or two and eventually fall back asleep. Riveting! I know this isn't going to last. I know my body is preparing for this little one and I should be grateful that I am getting as much sleep as I am now. And I am. But I'm ready to feel like my old self again. Motivated, productive, inspired...

Today although I feel like crap (got little sleep thanks to my neighboors kids having a party) I have some major motivation to get my house/baby stuff in order. I hope that by the end of the day today when I get home I still have that motivation - you never know.

1.) I have three baskets full of clean clothes to fold/put away
2.) I have another basket full of clothes, blankets, towels, bibs etc for Vincent that needs to be washed and put away
3.) I want to order his bedding today
4.) I need to sort and organize all of our wonderful gifts from our latest shower
5.) Put together items that need to be taken back (some dupes)
6.) Take back said dupes
7.) I need to start Thank you cards
8.) I should pack the hospital bag within the next couple weeks because hey - you never know.
9.) Make a list of things we still need to get before his arrival
10.) Deposit checks/money from shower to buy said gifts.
11.) Put the finishing touches on his nursery.

I reallllly hope I find and hold onto some motivation because we have less than 7 weeks and I still have a lot to do. I am ready and not ready for him all at the same time. I am ready to meet him and kiss him and start our lives together but I dont think I am quite ready mentally and emotionally for this. This experience is going to be life changing for both Mike and I and I think I need some more time to prepare for what it all means. I just need to do it, right? I just need to wash his clothes because i'll be happier once he is here and I dont have to worry about it. I just need to sort through the heap of gifts because once it's all organized i'll be able to enjoy the last couple weeks before he arrives in peace. I'm just going to do it. No matter how tired I am. Ok i am going to go take a nap now. Hah just kidding.

How things have changed

How things have changed in the course of a couple years. My early twenties were filled with days of traveling between school and work and hanging out with my family and friends and boyfriend (at the time) and spending copious amounts of time at the movies or at the bar. Making plans and taking names. I had a decent group of people I could call on to grab a bite to eat or check out a new bar or club. I use to get excited about a new pack of cloves to smoke or a shot that was bought for me. I lived out of my car and I was never home. Most weekends consisted of the drunk pirate look - behold:
The drunk pirate: a.k.a. I have been drinking too much to be able to see straight out of both eyes so I have closed one so I can see straight out of at least one eye. Done and done. Also gotta love the signature duck lips. So maybe I should call this the drunk pirate duck lip look. Who knows. Over the past couple years a lot has changed from this picture. I've graduated school, I bought a home, I got married, I started my career, I'm pregnant and due in 50 days... I've grown a part from a lot of those friends I've held very dear and in my circle. And that's OK. I don't believe we are in a bad place these old friends of mine but we've simply out grown each other. We still encounter one another whether it be in person or electronically and we are sweet with one another, but it's just not the same. They're in a different place in their lives and so am I. I guess that's life though, right? Nothing ever stays the same good or bad.

So what does life look like right now? It's a lot different at 26 than it was at 21. My traveling consists of no more school but my daily to commute to my job. I hang out with a small group of friends rather than that bigger group. I spend copious amounts of time at home or with family. I get excited when my husband empties the dishwasher or snow blows the driveway. I am more of a home body than I ever have been in my entire life. Being pregnant has also changed me in ways I never thought possible. I'm excited to be a mom. I think it's what I am supposed to do in life, be a mother. I think it's going to open my eyes even more and nothing is ever going to be the same. Most weekends now consist of cleaning and chores and spending time with family. It consists of a movie here and there and earlier bed times. It consists of Saturday morning breakfasts and doing laundry. It's different. But I love it. I love how my life has evolved in such a short period of time into what it is today. Is it glamorous? Maybe not, but it works for me. Is this life for everyone? Not at all. But it's perfect for me.

It's a Jungle Out There!

Yesterday, my mom threw us the most amazing baby shower I could have hoped for. She really outdid herself by making all the poms, hand painted a canvas drawing of our invite, came up with all the fun details down to the decorative chargers that sat underneath the favors. We had such a wonderful time talking baby talk, eating and of course keeping warm due to a little blizzard that decided to make it's way through. We got so many wonderful gifts for Vincent and I cant wait for him to arrive to put it all to good use. Here are a couple pictures of the wonderful day.

My handsome hubby!

My beautiful mom!

This jacket was my older brothers when he was a baby boy. My mom passed it on to her sister in law when she had her boys and yesterday, my aunt gave it back to me. It brought tears to my eyes.

Wishes for baby from everyone.

Friend, Erin who is due one week before me. :)

My favorites.

Quote

One of my favorite blogger over here at Life as an Artistpreneur posted an article on her twitter page that I was so blown away with. She recently gave birth to her first child recently, a baby boy. I frequently drop by her site because she is going through what I will be going through in less than 2 months. And when she posted this article on Being a Mother of One - I decided to read it for myself and was in awe of it's moving words especially this:

"Dear mother of only one child, don’t blame yourself for thinking that your life is hard. You’re suffering now because you’re turning into a new woman, a woman who is never allowed to be alone. For what? Only so that you can become strong enough to be a woman who will be left."

The Bump

I don't think I posted any bump pictures on here. But hey - figure I might as well share one with you today. Here is my 31 week 2 day bump pic:

Updates:

Lately I have definetly felt a difference in how i've been feeling and moving. I've been feeling more stiff, my lower back hurts like a motha, I've been experiencing Braxton Hix contractions a little more frequent and for the sake of keeping it really real on here, my groin hurts really bad. The last appointment I had he said everything is looking great, my blood pressure has been steady the entire time, glucose is good, weight gain is on the lower side (not that i'm complaining) so I need to pack on some lbs. Cue the 3 ice cream drum sticks I had on Sunday. No shame. I'm moving a little bit slower and I just feel really - stiff.

This weekend is my first baby shower. I am excited to see everyone and get excited about our little boy and go crazy over all the adorable boy stuff out there. I am excited to get the room in order. All the big pieces are in and up. Crib, dresser and glider - THANK YOU JESUS! The stroller is also put together and car seat is ready when he is. And tomorrow will officially be 60 days till he arrives. Yowza!

I am very fortunate how well things have been going so far, thankful for a healthy baby who is busy growing and moving. Thankful that my husband has been so patient and understanding. Thankful for all the support I get from both our families especially my mom (words can't describe the love I have for that woman) and Thankful for this beautiful gift. I can't wait to meet him and kiss his sweet cheeks.

I'll be posting pictures of the showers as they happen, should be a great time!

2011 in Review

This year has been one carazy year. Tons of fun stuff to reflect on, so lets take a trip down memory lane, shall we?

January - brought in the new year right.  Spent it with family and friends drinking, eating, dancing, singing.  It was perfection.  I find that over the years, going out and going crazy lost it’s appeal.  Staying in and bringing in 2011 at home felt right.

Went on photography adventure with my mom in downtown Birmingham

February – Mom and I with the help of my wonderful husband who drove us to Ohio and waited anywhere between 5-6 hours for us to get through all the lines where we met the Pioneer Woman and got her book signed.

I also started my new job as an HR manager.  SCARY!!!!!!!!!

March – Started making my own Ice Chai Latte’s – YUM!!!!!!!!!!!!

April – I talked about my favorite things

 

May – Mike and I celebrated our 1 year anniversary by keeping it low key.  We went out to lunch, saw a movie, had some ice cream and had dinner.  YAY!

My mom won tickets to the Oprah show’s very.last.show. no joke.  So we took the train down to Chicago and spent 3 days there sight seeing and having a wonderful time.

June – We got rained out in a big way.

July – Did some more with my photography, once again using Birmingham and Royal Oak as my muse

Treated myself to a lovely massage

Saw a Tiger Game with Mike and Family.

- Took our first pregnancy test and it came back positive!!!!

August – We celebrated a bunch of birthdays including

- My dad
- Mike
- My nephew

We also found out we were officially pregnant!!!!!!! Due in March!

September – Mike and I visited Washington DC and some friends.

October – Celebrated my birthday by visiting Saugatuck on the west side of the state with the Hubs.  We stayed at a very cute bed and breakfast, walked around the town, had a delicious lunch and bought a painting for our kitchen.  It was lovely!

 

November – Celebrated our 4th Thanksgiving with one another, Prepared for the holidays

Got a shellac manicure for the first time that lasted like 17 days.

 

December – Celebrated our 5th Christmas together, started putting the nursery together, paid off 2 credit cards (woot) Saved more money for baby fund, and ate a lot!

2011 was amazing.  No joke.  I am so grateful to God that he has blessed me and my family with goodness this year.  I traveled this year, I met new people, I tried new things, I failed at others, I saw a lot of movies, didn’t read nearly half as many books as I wanted, started a new job, found out we were pregnant, found out we were having a baby boy, kicked ass with our finances, and learned to love more and truly be grateful for all our blessing because life is good.  Looking forward to an amazing 2012

On finding out....

+

I am 14 weeks and 3 days. In just a little over a month away we will be half way through the pregnancy and if that month is anything like the last couple months it is going to fly. I’ve debated on talking about the pregnancy on here simply because it’s something that is private. A special time in me and Michael’s life. A time that is so precious and beautiful that it sometimes brings me to tears. But there is something incredibly therapeutic about writing down your thoughts no matter how raw and messy they are and just allowing yourself to be vulnerable instead of holding it in and exploding once you can’t hold it all in anymore.

I also want this to be a place where family can go to read about our progress. How the little one is doing, how we are doing and how we are progressing with all the changes happening in our lives. So I'll begin with how we found our we were pregnant.

By the end of July, about a week before I should have started, I was feeling sick (not nauseous, just a tummy ache) for about a week and only at night. I would tell Mike, my tummy hurts and we would lay in bed together while he rubbed my belly to make it feel better. He would ask me what I ate for the day, maybe trying to connect the tummy ache with something I was eating. But we both kind of brushed it off as nothing. I was also experiencing some cramping which I tend to get before I am about to start too - pre-cramps. So I would carry some products in my purse just in case aunt flow arrived suddenly. I was about 4 days late when I told Mike I still hadn’t started, but shrugged it off because I was late last month. On July 28, 2011 I went out with my mom for a late dinner/movie. By then I was still late and was kind of getting curious/impatient. After dinner, I told my mom that I had to go get some gas so I would meet her at the theatre. But instead I ran up to the drug store and bought a test. I threw a stick in my purse and ran into the theatre. We bought our tickets and I mentioned I was going to use the restroom before we found our seats. I just had to get it done. I had to know. So there I was in a theatre bathroom holding up a positive pregnancy test, eyes wide open in disbelief. How was I going to go into that theatre and act “normal”? I don’t know how I did it - but I did.

After the movie I immediately headed home. I had to tell someone some interesting news. I came home and Mike came over to me and gave me a hug and kiss and asked how my evening was. I told him dinner was good, the movie was wonderful but that I had tell him something. I pulled out the test, handed it to him and said I took it on a whim and it came back positive. He put his hands on his head and sat on the kitchen floor. He had a smile while he did this but you could tell he was shocked beyond belief. He asked if I had another test and I said yes. He said take another one tomorrow morning. Which I did and that one came back positive as well. We took 5 tests total. All positive. I made an appointment with my OBGYN to get some blood work to confirm that we are indeed preggo. The next day, sure enough “You’re pregnant!” Those words rang in my head, You’re pregnant... baby.... inside you.... growing.... it’s real... seriously... life changed in that very second. It was no longer about me. Someone very small was counting on me. Things needed to change. I had to be better. And so our new lives began.... But first we had to let our parents know....