Friday, March 11, 2011

On who I want to be



Lately I have been thinking a lot about me, on who I am at the moment, what I have accomplished, my morales, my beliefs, what I stand for.... the list goes on people. When I think about who I am, the majority of the time I give myself a nice pat on the back for being my most authentic self... Most of the time I am amazed at all that I have accomplished, what I still am accomplishing day to day and how I am able to keep moving forward, trugging along. It might sound weird and awful to say, but finally at the age of 25 I am slowly - but surely starting to realize.... this is it.... this is my one shot. This life of mine. I dont have yesterday or the last 9,276 days that have past me by. I begin to question, "AM I MAKING THE MOST OF IT?!" I dont know, I guess thats up to be to decide, no one else. I feel like yes, sometimes I do make the best of it, on a day to day basis MOST of the time I would say a hesitant yes.
BUT

I dont want to be hesitant. When I think about AM I MAKING THE MOST OF IT?! I want to give the rock on symbal in the air and say FUCK YES I AM MAKING THE MOST OF IT!! And when I say MAKE THE MOST OF IT I dont necessairly mean jumping into a mosh pit or bungee jumping or putting my head in a lions mouth. I mean making each day the best I can make it. Did I get up and make this day my bitch? Lately the answer is no. I'll come home from work tired, worn out, stressed thinking I am in over my head, that I am worthless and that no one in their GOD given mind would ever take me seriously. Screw that. I want to be that person who is confident and energetic that is constantly obsobring new information to make me better at my job who puts people in their place without making them feel inferior. Who commands respect. Who is respected. I want to be strong and knowledagble and if I dont know the answer to something know its OK to say I dont know but I'll look into it for you. I want to be that person who just freaking relaxes sometimes and doesnt get so wound up over the silliest shit. I want to not take myself, my job or this life so seriously. Because, baby, this life is amazing.

I dont want to wake up in the morning dragging my ass around, wasting time in front of the tv or my computer. What kind of life is that? I want to give myself some time to do those things (computer and tv) but then turn it off and get moving. I want to soak up the day and do the things I want to do. I want to try yoga and be bad at it, like really bad, but then I want to get good - really good and feel my body change. I want to fit into those damn skinnier jeans again without poking at my muffin top. I want to keep my house clean and welcoming all the time without letting it get so filthy. Why has it become such a freakin issue keeping up the day to day up-keep of my home? No more. This is my beautiful, warm home and I am going to work my ass off to keep it up not just for myself but for my husband and little puppy. I am going to work hard to keep up the outside as well. No more being lazy, is it what I want to be doing? NO NO and NO. I dont want to rack leaves or till the soil or fertilize the grass, but damn it - its important to me to have a clean, tidy landscape. It is a direct reflection on whats going on inside the home.

I want to experience more. I want to go to the museum and soak up some culture, I want to head to the book store and get lost in a good book for a while. I want to head to the park and take some pictures. I want to constantly learn something new. I want to be the best version of myself possible. I dont want to take a break, or slow down for too long because "im tired" or "I deserve a break" Thats what sleeping is for, hitting restart for the next day of kicking ass and taking names. I want to read and write and see new things. I want to make mistakes and learn from them and know that your age is not something to hate but to love and wear with a badge of honor. I am 25 and am where I am at. And yes, haters are gonna hate but screw em'. I want to be the fun, fearless, excited individual who doesnt have to be another carbon copy. I want to be me, and if people dont get - its OK!

I want to do and be better everyday because if there is one thing life is good at is constantly reminding us that yes, this one beautiful life you were given is very short. I want lay on my death bed when I am very old and grey and look back on this beautiful life and know that I did it. Everything I could and wanted too and I did it being me, not giving myself up to anyone or anything being the most authentic genuine version of myself. I can do anything I put my mind too, no one or nothing is going to stand in my way of making the best of this life. This is it. Every day is going to count. I'm ready. Let's do this.

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